Changing the Negative Cycle of Disagreement in Relationships
IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP THERE ARE ISSUES WHERE NEEDS, DESIRES AND BELIEFS DIFFER. THIS IS WHERE CONFLICT HAPPENS.
This is what I call The Negative Cycle of Disagreement in Relationships.
Here is what it looks like:
CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIP USUALLY IS HANDLED WITH MORE CONFLICT.
WHATEVER THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS THAT EACH PERSON BRINGS (FROM THEIR CHILDHOOD ESP)….SHOWS UP IN CONFLICT.
THE DIFFERENCE IN NEEDS, DESIRE AND BELIEFS HAPPENS. IT IS LIFE.
THE DOMINANT PARADIGM TEACHES US TO KEEP SAYING WHAT WE WANT OVER AND OVER AGAIN HOPING THINGS WILL CHANGE. SO WE STAY IN THE CONFLICT: I WANT THIS. THEY WANT THAT.
TO STAY IN THE CONFLICT BRINGS THE SYSTEM TO EITHER A POINT OF SHUTTING DOWN OR BREAKING DOWN COMPLETELY. It creates a return to what is known in psychology as The Homeostatic State: whatever is “normal” within the relationship.
THIS CREATES: STRESS….DISTRESS….AND NO CHANGE IN THE “PROBLEM”.
Let’s Begin With The Problem:
I want this. - You
I want that. - The Other Person
Then this happens:
FIGHT
Keep repeating what each wants hoping to convince the other person that They Are Right.
FLIGHT
Don’t talk about it at all.
FREEZE
One talks and the other one doesn’t.
The outcome of each of these positions keeps what is happening from changing.
The conversation continues that “I want this and they want that”.
The thoughts are “why don’t they understand what I am saying?”
The feelings are resentment, sadness, loneliness, frustration and even hopelessness.
The perspective is “there is nothing I do that makes THEM change. ”Time passes….things settle down…the return to Normal (aka The Homeostatic State) occurs…until the difference in needs shows up and the Negative Cycle of Disagreement in Relationships begins…again...
How To Handle The Negative Cycle of Disagreement in Relationships
with Plan C Strategies as Your Guide
Everything that keeps happening in the dynamic of
I WANT THIS AND THEY WANT THAT
AND
I WANT TO GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND MY POSITION AND DO WHAT I WANT IS
FEAR.
You are afraid…
They are afraid….
And what keeps happening is the Fight, Flight, Freeze reaction that keeps everything in the repetitive cycle of negativity.
Understanding that what you CAN CONTROL are YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS, AND YOUR PERSPECTIVES (WHAT IT IS THAT YOU BELIEVE IS THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING)….that’s it.
Breathe in….and out and remind yourself what you can control (see above).
Smile to increase serotonin and to take another breathe in and out
IT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING
IT IS HOW YOU HANDLE IT.
Identify and define your values.
All of your actions are expressions of your values.
This means: Everything you think, everything you say out loud and everything you do with your body express your values.Plan C Strategies and The Negative Cycle of Disagreement in Relationship
Breathe in and breathe out when the dynamic shows up: I want this and I know they want that.
Smile.
It is NOT what’s happening (I want this and they want that), it’s how I handle it.
Focus on the value of CLARITY.
All of your actions are expressions of creating CLARITY.
THE POWER IS IN THE QUESTIONS YOU ASK!
Start with yourself:
If they don’t do what I want, I am afraid……feel your fears….let them show up….do not censor yourself…in fact, observe what comes up with curiosity…Hmmm, I am afraid that _______….hmmmmm…
Ask the question of the other person. What are you afraid will happen if things don’t happen like you want?
THE FEAR IS THE ROOT OF WHY THERE IS A NEGATIVE CYCLE OF FIGHTING, FLIGHTING AND/OR FREEZING in relationships when there really differences in desires.
Switching the conversation to: what is the fear…creates understanding…it also can give the conversation a DIFFERENT DIRECTION…it is sharing of new information and a shift in understanding.
This is the key shift that, with time, will create CLARITY. With this clarity, the path forward becomes less about FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE and more about COLLABORATION.
Written by Joanne Dougan, M.Ed. (no AI at all)
Copyright 2026
Plan C Strategies:
Emotional Intelligence Skills for handling
the 21st Century Human Experience brilliantly!